Separate

1st-week observations...

Day 1:
Just an evening, really. Distracted myself with chocolate and watched TV until my eyes hurt. The house suddenly seems very quiet. To sleep, I used my white noise app for the first time since Abi was a baby.

Day 2:
So far, so good. But I noticed my parenting time seems ultra-concentrated. When I had reinforcements nearby, I had no problem taking a few minutes for myself when Abi's games would get too repetitive. Now I feel pressure to maintain full engagement in everything she's doing. Checking my email felt like abandonment. By the second hour, I was tired and happy to go make dinner.

Day 3: 
Parenting narrows your options, and I don't just mean in the long term. Your child becomes the framework for how you spend every hour of your day, and your choices are limited by their needs. Turns out, when my choices are opened up suddenly, I freeze. Either that or Whole Foods hypnotized me. All I know is that I wandered up & down the aisles like I'd never been in a grocery store before.

Day 4: 
Yesterday, Abi convinced me to buy her a bag of marbles. At 2:00 this morning, I woke from a nightmare that she choked on one of them. Since I couldn't just check on her, I tossed and turned the rest of the night.

Day 5:
Out of the whole family, Zoe is the only one who is visibly distraught. I've learned to eat my breakfast one-handed so I can pet her at the same time.

Day 6:
Having my routine dismantled is very disorienting. Every task seems to be taking twice as long as usual. I thought I'd get tons of stuff done in the evenings but so far, not so much.

Oh, and Ripley took a shit in the closet.

Day 7:
We had dinner at Steve's, so I got to be there for Abi's bedtime. She wanted me to lie down next to her for a few minutes, which I guess is the new routine with her big-girl bed. It broke my heart a little. Partly because she's starting to have routines I don't know about. But also because I wanted to stay there all night and just stare at her little face.

I've seen her every day this week, but I already feel like she's slipping away from me.

Day 8:
I made it through the week. We all did. No major catastrophes, no major meltdowns (unless you count my response to my internet being down for two days). Steve read somewhere that the backlash often comes later, so I don't want to assume we're out of the woods, but I'm hopeful.

Let me rephrase that. When it's daytime and it's sunny outside, I am hopeful. When it's night and I can't distract myself from the quiet, I worry about her and I cry and I wonder when my house will feel like a home again.