Bonding

Someone asked me the other day if I immediately bonded with Abi when she was born. I said it was gradual, but in my head I've been elaborating on my answer ever since.

My feelings for her in those early weeks could accurately be described as love, but at the same time, it's nothing compared to what I feel for her now. It wasn't much different than what I felt for her while she was still in the womb. I felt protective and worried about her, and I knew that caring for her was the most important job I would ever have. But I was too exhausted to feel much else.

I remember the exact moment when I pushed her out. Steve's first reaction was emotional: he cried and told me we had our daughter. My first reaction was physical relief. Most of my memories of those first few weeks are of fatigue. When other people were around, I was all too happy to hand Abi off to someone else for awhile so I could take a nap. At the time, I felt guilty about that, but I think I was too tired to function on a deeper emotional level. As my sleep normalized, my love grew. And ever since she started smiling and interacting with us, it's grown exponentially.

Now she's ten weeks old and I can't get enough of her. After she eats or has her diaper changed, we have these long conversations where she makes a noise and I imitate it, back & forth for 15 minutes. Those are the best parts of my day. So of course, just as I get the hang of this mommy thing, my maternity leave is ending.

I need to win the lottery.