My 3-year-old Gives Me a Lesson in Emotions

My replacement bed partner is this penguin I've had since college. (Yeah, I sleep with a stuffed animal. Come at me, bro.) He is very soft and cuddly, but he has a furious expression on his face. Abi calls him Angry Penguin.

Haters gonna hate.

I have anger issues. The short version is that I tend not to acknowledge my anger until it's overwhelming. Until I'm at the boiling point, I dismiss, diminish, and deny. I've been working on these issues for years, but they will likely never go away. My best hope is that I don't pass my problems on to Abi. I've already noticed an unwillingness on my part to "let" her be angry. My frustration with her tantrums often end with me telling her not to yell, not to throw things, not to flop on the floor in protest. In other words, I've discouraged her from utilizing the only outlets at a toddler's disposal.

So now I'm trying to undo my mistake. I've dialed way back on my list of unacceptable behaviors. Hitting is an absolute no, but for everything else, I'll allow her to get through the initial emotional outburst without correction. If the screaming goes on too long, I'll ask her to use an inside voice. If she throws multiple toys in succession, I'll ask her to stop. But first I'll give her a cathartic freebie.

Then, I started playing a game with Angry Penguin.

The script is the same every time. Angry Penguin is angry. He says very loudly that he's angry, he's mad, etc. He stomps on the bed. He pounds on a pillow. He grumbles and complains about how very angry he is, naming the emotion over & over. Then, after a few minutes, he says, "I feel better now." The game ends with him finding something that comforts him, like a pillow or blanket, and cuddling under it.

The first time I played the game, it was because I was angry. Mommy was pissed off and needed a way to blow off steam without scaring the shit out of her daughter. And it definitely made an impression. Then Abi started requesting it. "Mommy, can you make Angry Penguin be angry?" And now when she gets mad, she stomps on the floor and says, "I. AM. ANGRY!" It's not exactly pleasant to listen to, especially when I'm irritated with her, but it's better--and usually shorter--than a tantrum. And, just like the game script, it almost always ends with her saying, "I feel better now."

Plus, she decided that when Angry Penguin's done being angry, his name changes to Feeling Better Penguin. And that's pretty much the cutest thing ever.