I miss doing nothing.
I know that's kinda lame. And I know that I'm never going to look back on my life and regret that I didn't watch more TV. But I miss the old pattern of a workday being followed by down time. Now, the basic care and maintenance of two adults, a baby, a dog and and a cat takes up pretty much every waking non-work-moment. Next on the priority list comes essential housework (dishes, laundry), and then, if there's time, there's the long list of less essential new-house projects. On the rare evening when I find myself playing Plants vs. Zombies or watching a movie, it's because I'm neglecting something else. Like right now? I really should be making baby food or folding laundry.
This weekend sucked. Two days full of fussiness, crying, missed naps and screamy bedtimes. And that was just me and Steve! Ha ha, Zing! But seriously, there was much suckage. Sunday night, struck by the realization that my two-day work respite had been basically joyless, I figured I must be doing something wrong and started planning a strategy for this coming weekend. It took about 24 hours for me to wake up to the fact that my actions were not the problem, it was my attitude. I had been thinking about "getting things done" as if there was a finite list of chores and that, if I just worked fast enough, I could get them all done and then I could allow myself to relax. My subconscious can be pretty delusional sometimes. Finite list my ass.
This is an example of my ongoing struggle against what I call the Plateau Fantasy. The fantasy is that you climb and climb through early adulthood until, eventually, you reach a point where everything clicks into place, there's a big "AHHHHHHH!" moment and then all is smooth and easy for years and years, until eventually you get sick and die. Of course, on an intellectual level, I know this to be bullshit. But even so, it's hard bullshit to shake and for the last decade, it's kept me perpetually itching for the next big thing: Go to college. Rent an apartment. Move in with Steve. Move out of NC. Get married. Rent a house. Get a dog. Move back to NC. Have a baby. Buy a house. I look at goals and milestones as solutions, as in, "If I could just find a new job, everything would be better." My therapist, in her brilliantly succinct way, said, "Oh, so it's a rescue fantasy." And she's right. Of course, in my chosen metaphor, I rescue myself by reaching the pinnacle of adulthood. But it doesn't really matter whether I'm climbing to the top of the plateau or being airlifted onto it. I'm still looking to be saved from life's day to day struggles.
I can't remember when during my twenties I figured out about my Plateau Fantasy, but it seems like I've been struggling with this idea forever. I am getting better at self-correcting, but the idea has insinuated itself into so many parts of my life that it's like picking split ends. As soon as I start working on one, I notice ten others. Of course, the important part is to notice, because only through noticing can I hope to rewire my brain. I can't expect to "fix" myself overnight. (See? I even have a Plateau Fantasy about my Plateau Fantasy! I have meta-neuroses!) So, between now and next weekend I will have to make do with reminding myself - for the thousandth time - of the following:
- I will never reach a point where I can breathe a sigh of relief and relax from then on out.
- I will never "get everything done."
- When I try to "get everything done", I spend the whole day dragging Abi from place to place and then she's fussy. Then I get fussy.
- I probably won't ever have as much down time as I used to, at least not until I retire. But I can adjust to having less of it and hopefully that means I will use it more wisely.
- Yes, I need to do housework, but I also need to enjoy my life, my husband, my daughter. When I take moments for myself and for my family, I can't spend them thinking about what I "should" be doing instead. That's a direct path to misery. Make the choice and own it.
- Of all the times I've postponed chores and errands in order to spend time with Abi, I have never once regretted it.
- Balance is important in all things.
3 comments:
Today I told you "I love your blog post!" which was a weird comment to make because clearly you wish you didn't feel so overwhelmed all the time, and I shouldn't "love" that you feel that way (which I don't). What I really meant is that I feel this way a lot as well, and for some reason it is really comforting to hear it come out of someone else's mouth, eloquently.
Joel and I had an argument tonight that went something like this: "I feel like I'm doing stuff all the time and never have a minute to sit." "I feel like that too." "But... you were sitting just a couple of minutes ago." "Well you sat yesterday." Etc.
Megan, I miss you.
I have your same Plateau Fantasy. Only I didn't realize it's a fantasy. Thank you for the heads up. Although it's crossed my mind once or twice that it may be important to appreciate the present, I mostly cast aside such silly notions and put all my hopes in the years from now when I will have figured everything out and will no longer have to toil.
Big hug for you and yours. :)
Miss you too, Sofi! Let me know how that getting-it-all-figured-out thing goes. :)
I'm glad you commented, not only bc it's good to hear from you, but also bc it reminded me that I never responded to Catherine's comment. Oops.
Catherine, don't worry. I knew what you meant when you said you loved the post. After knowing each other for 27 years, I know you're not going to suddenly start delighting in my misery. Also, that argument with Joel sounded eerily familiar.
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