the first few weeks of knowing crawled by. it sucks to be tired, nauseated, excited and terrified all at the same time and not be able to tell anyone about it. at least i had catherine to commiserate with. the appetite changes have been hard for me. i'm one of those people who, if you ask me what i want to eat, almost always has something specific in mind. it wasn't a matter of being hungry as much as craving some particular meal. but now it takes so much effort to think of the one thing that i may be able to stomach at any given time. it's impossible to predict what i might want, and once i've eaten something, i never want to eat it ever again. ice cream seems to be the exemption to the rule. at one point i scraped the car on the curb because i was distracted by the thought of frozen yogurt.
steve & i took a tour of the NC Birthing Center during a blackout, but even in the dark we were impressed. so i'm in the planning stages of a hippy-dippy, healthy, crunchy, natural childbirth.
the first week was exciting. then the excitement was beaten unrecognizable by shitloads of fear, mostly of miscarriage. i kept telling myself that i'd be able to relax once the first trimester was over, but i know myself too well for that. first i'll worry about the baby being healthy, then when it's born i'll start worrying about SIDS and then once it starts crawling & walking there'll be PLENTY to worry about. so i'm trying to break this habit now. i don't want to be a crazy mom. i don't want my kid to be worse off because of how much i care. at one point, my therapist was reminding me that the fear doesn't do any good and she said "Worry is not a strategy." i love that line and it's become my mantra.
even so, the first ultrasound was definitely a load off my mind. it's just so nice to know that it has a heartbeat. and a big brain. and that there's only one. the pictures are nice to have, but at this point it just looks like a blob.
or, to be more specific, the first picture looks like a platypus, while the second one looks like the kodama from Princess Mononoke.
meanwhile, catherine's is straight-up Roswell.
ok, so that's not really her ultrasound. but you get the idea.
flash forward to now: both sets of parents have been informed of the happy event and steve is anxious to start shouting it from the rooftops. me, i'm just anxious to have an excuse for doing a half-assed job at work. how mad can they get at a pregnant woman?
1 comment:
Congratulations! I already said that. I am going to have to borrow your mantra. Zowie, sometimes the right things jump right out at the right time. Many thanks to you and your therapist.
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