yesterday i started taking bupropion (generic wellbutrin). the first day was uneventful. i just had a general sense of uneasiness that i'm sure had less to do with the medication and more to do with my distrust of said medication.
today, in contrast, was very weird. again, i'm guessing the meds haven't kicked in yet and that this is all in my head (for lack of a better phrase), but severe mood swings are severe mood swings no matter what the reason.
a basic timeline (for scientific reference):
7 AM - wake up, take pill.
9 AM - arrive at work. i'm pissed because a coworker called in sick. i hate my job, i hate looking for a new job, i hate that i can't take a vacation, i hate the bitchy customers, i hate that it's freezing cold and i hate that the dog won't stop barking. i like pound cake and hot tea.
Noon - i feel disconnected. i manage to get things done but it doesn't seem like i'm the one doing them. my brain & my body are two separate entities. i have entire conversations that feel like someone else is having them & i'm just a casual observer.
1 PM - take second pill.
2 PM - i discover that i'm hilarious. not to anyone else, mind you, but i'm suddenly aware of how undeniably witty & clever i am and proceed to laugh uncontrollably at every joke i make. a couple times i laugh at things i think but don't actually say. i wonder if my coworkers notice.
3 PM - i start to get really depressed about random things. i feel very strongly that i need to be at the crawford house in franklin this very moment and the fact that i can't be is a terrible injustice. i feel lonely & abandoned and every time i check my email and have no new messages i want to cry. i'm aware that my responses are disproportional but i also think, who gives a shit? better than feeling nothing at all.
5 PM - i remember a comment tommy made about dr. @ being in cahoots with psychiatrists to convince patients that they need drugs and more therapy to the financial gain of both. he was mostly joking, but the hypothesis is intriguing and unsettling. the conspiracy theory takes hold and i wonder how i'll confront my therapist and make him confess the plot. then, i take it one step further and convince myself that tommy wants me to drive myself crazy with these thoughts and he made that comment just to plant the seed of doubt in my mind. i am merely a pawn in his diabolical mind game, wallowing in distrust for his own amusement. paranoia is unusual for me, so this particular incident, while relatively short-lived, is the most disturbing part of my day.
6 PM - i leave work and drive like a complete asshole all the way home.
what neuroses will tomorrow bring? the possibilities are endless.
2 comments:
I love the name Algernon, and might start calling you Algie.
This is really a cool documentation, for yourself and for other people who are feeling totally weird on new meds. I hope all goes well. Be wary of new voices in your head.
so far the new voices are getting along swimmingly with the old voices, but thanks for the advice.
glad you appreciate my weirdness. i've tried to keep my blogging upbeat in the past, but since i can count on one hand the number of people who actually read this, i figure there's no harm in being honest.
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