enigma

you know what's creepy? when i blog on myspace, people actually read it, which makes me feel like i have to write something lighthearted & amusing. that's too much pressure. the one time i wrote something dreary & dark, i immediately got all these overly concerned comments from friends. i shouldn't knock it, cuz it's great that they care. but that, combined with the weird looks i got at work the next day, made me feel like i was on suicide watch. and then i had to assure everyone that yes, life is worth living and no, i'm not gonna freak out & kill you all, i just had too many bad days in a row and needed to vent.
*sigh*
therapy is awesome. if i tried to explain the things that i've learned about myself, they wouldn't sound all that profound (i'm afraid of being a disappointment to my parents - wow, big surprise). but it takes me out of my comfort zone, which is really good for me, and it helps me find the links between my actions and my fears. i'm seeing tommy's shrink, who i'll refer to as dr. @. my plan was to have a session with him and then get a recommendation for a female therapist, but i like this guy.
i came back from my first two sessions feeling elated, like some huge weight had been lifted. and in a way, it had. i've been talking about finding a therapist for about a year now and i finally got off my ass and did it. there tends to be an initial high whenever i manage to break through my inertia. but i'm coming down off that now and yesterday i felt miserable. the session went fine, but it still turned into one of those days where i can't make myself do anything productive and i cry a lot over nothing. i had to remind myself that counseling is a process and that it won't automatically make those days vanish.
last time i saw tommy, we talked about dr. @. we didn't talk about the things we would talk about in sessions but we talked about the experience of therapy and our reactions to various aspects of it. it was like meta-therapy. i haven't been to enough sessions to know dr. @'s catch phrases or anything, but we talked about things we noticed about his office - books, art, the pillow shaped like Freud...then tommy asked which chair i sat in. it hadn't actually occurred to me that i had a choice. i just sat in the chair closest to the door. this happens to me a lot. i'll make a decision without really thinking about it and then i'll stick to it for the sake of consistency. so yesterday i sat on the couch. it was much more comfy and it was a conscious choice. sometimes that's important.